To love and be loved is one of the most exhilarating experiences
people can enjoy. Writers and poets ancient and modern speak of the
power and emotion of romantic love. Yet the Bible reveals that love, in
its broadest sense, is a choice. Love is something we choose to do.
God tells husbands to love their wives (Ephesians 5:25, 28; Colossians
3:19)—and not just if they feel like it. Lacking a foundational understanding,
many couples have tragically assumed they have no control
over their feelings. Concluding that love just magically appears or disappears,
too many have suffered and even dissolved relationships over
difficulties that could have been resolved.
In a beautiful explanation of the love God expects of us, the apostle
Paul describes the nature and qualities of love: “Love is patient, love is
kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it
is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects,
always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails”
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV).
Love is much more than a vague emotion or physical attraction. Practicing
real love requires conscious choice and determination. Genuine
love resolves to show kindness and patience in the face of suffering. It does not return evil for evil (Romans 12:17; 1 Thessalonians 5:15). People
who exemplify this kind of love follow the example of God Himself,
who “is kind to the unthankful and evil” (Luke 6:35).
Full, complete love is the love God expects husbands to show their
wives. It is the foundation of godly leadership. Without it husbands cannot
properly fulfill the leadership God expects from them within marriage
(Ephesians 5:23). When a husband demonstrates godly love, his
whole family benefits. His wife and children feel secure. When they
know they are honored and loved, it is much easier for them to respect
him as the leader of the family.
Husbands must understand that even though God has given them
responsibility within the family, their position of leadership is to be
used only for the good of the family. It should never be used for selfish
reasons. This kind of leadership flows from the understanding that first
and foremost the husband, too, is under authority—God’s authority
(1 Corinthians 11:3).
Because husbands historically have not lived up to God’s expectations
for them, some have concluded that a father’s leadership position within
the family is evil and outdated. The real problem, however, is with
husbands who neglect or reject the character traits of godliness—not
with God’s model for families. If we accept God’s instructions, we must
accept His teaching on the marriage model.
God places on a husband’s shoulders immense responsibility for
leading his wife and children in gentleness and love. God gives him no
mandate to use his position harshly or selfishly, nor the right to neglect
his family’s well-being. Humility, the opposite of pride and arrogance,
is essential in godly leadership.
In a poignant letter to Titus, Paul explained that God’s structure for
families is a foundational biblical teaching: “But as for you, speak the
things which are proper for sound doctrine: that the older men be sober,
reverent, temperate, sound in faith, in love, in patience; the older women
likewise, that they be reverent in behavior . . . —that they admonish the
young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet,
chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed
Sunday, May 1, 2011
A lifelong commitment
Early in the book of Genesis God tells us that it is appropriate for
a man to “leave his father and his mother” and “cleave unto his wife:
and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, King James Version). The
Hebrew word translated “cleave” is dabaq, meaning “to cling, cleave,
keep close.”
“Used in modern Hebrew in the sense of ‘to stick to, adhere to,’
dabaq yields the noun form for ‘glue’ and also the more abstract ideas
of ‘loyalty, devotion’” (Vine’s Expository Dictionary of Biblical Words,
1985, “To Cleave, Cling”).When a husband and wife obey the biblical command to cleave to
each other, they will literally join together. Having sexual relations,
being “one flesh,” is part of commitment to each other in marriage.
Commitment includes fidelity, trust and the character to act properly
when under pressure or temptation. Yet too often people engage in sex
without commitment—a contradiction of this foundational principle for
successful marriages.
When two people exchange wedding vows, they make a lifelong
commitment. Biblically speaking, this is a covenant (Malachi 2:14)—
a solemn promise to God and one’s mate to be faithful.
This commitment should not be taken lightly or maintained only
when we feel like it. We need to understand that our feelings can mislead
us. God does not advocate only occasional bursts of loyalty and
obedience to Him whenever it is convenient for us. Similarly, people who
desire good marriages do not look for people who will stay committed
to them only most of the time.
Good relationships stand on long-term, trustworthy commitments—
even under trying circumstances. When two people commit to follow
God and His instructions within their marriage, they take the first steps
to a happy, lasting relationship.
a man to “leave his father and his mother” and “cleave unto his wife:
and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, King James Version). The
Hebrew word translated “cleave” is dabaq, meaning “to cling, cleave,
keep close.”
“Used in modern Hebrew in the sense of ‘to stick to, adhere to,’
dabaq yields the noun form for ‘glue’ and also the more abstract ideas
of ‘loyalty, devotion’” (Vine’s Expository Dictionary of Biblical Words,
1985, “To Cleave, Cling”).When a husband and wife obey the biblical command to cleave to
each other, they will literally join together. Having sexual relations,
being “one flesh,” is part of commitment to each other in marriage.
Commitment includes fidelity, trust and the character to act properly
when under pressure or temptation. Yet too often people engage in sex
without commitment—a contradiction of this foundational principle for
successful marriages.
When two people exchange wedding vows, they make a lifelong
commitment. Biblically speaking, this is a covenant (Malachi 2:14)—
a solemn promise to God and one’s mate to be faithful.
This commitment should not be taken lightly or maintained only
when we feel like it. We need to understand that our feelings can mislead
us. God does not advocate only occasional bursts of loyalty and
obedience to Him whenever it is convenient for us. Similarly, people who
desire good marriages do not look for people who will stay committed
to them only most of the time.
Good relationships stand on long-term, trustworthy commitments—
even under trying circumstances. When two people commit to follow
God and His instructions within their marriage, they take the first steps
to a happy, lasting relationship.
A foundation for marriage
Within marriage God gives husbands and wives specific instructions
that will produce peace and happiness. Whether or not one has
followed God’s instructions regarding dating, these principles can help
any marriage.
Although the best course of action is always to follow all of God’s
instructions, God also allows and encourages everyone to turn from past
sins and begin obeying Him (Ezekiel 18:21; Acts 2:38; 26:18). (If you
would like to know more about the purpose of human life and how to
commit your life to God, request our free booklets What Is Your Destiny?
and The Road to Eternal Life.)
Although solid relationships are built more quickly when both husband
and wife accept and practice God’s laws, God expects each of
us to respond to Him regardless of the circumstances of our marriage
(James 4:17). Even when only one mate commits his or her life to God
and His standards, this opens the door to God blessing both partners
(1 Corinthians 7:13-14). A positive, loving example of obedience to God
by a husband or wife may influence the other to want to please God
(1 Peter 3:1-4). One person can make a difference.
Let us consider some biblical principles that when followed make
marriages work.
that will produce peace and happiness. Whether or not one has
followed God’s instructions regarding dating, these principles can help
any marriage.
Although the best course of action is always to follow all of God’s
instructions, God also allows and encourages everyone to turn from past
sins and begin obeying Him (Ezekiel 18:21; Acts 2:38; 26:18). (If you
would like to know more about the purpose of human life and how to
commit your life to God, request our free booklets What Is Your Destiny?
and The Road to Eternal Life.)
Although solid relationships are built more quickly when both husband
and wife accept and practice God’s laws, God expects each of
us to respond to Him regardless of the circumstances of our marriage
(James 4:17). Even when only one mate commits his or her life to God
and His standards, this opens the door to God blessing both partners
(1 Corinthians 7:13-14). A positive, loving example of obedience to God
by a husband or wife may influence the other to want to please God
(1 Peter 3:1-4). One person can make a difference.
Let us consider some biblical principles that when followed make
marriages work.
Dating for marriage
When two mature people begin dating each other with an eye toward
marriage, they must consider many things. What values does the other
person hold? Does he believe in God? Does she obey God? What is this
person’s background and personal standards and values? What are his
preferences, dislikes, character and personality? Will this person be a
complementary match? Can I love and respect her?
Often in modern dating little thought is given to a potential partner
for life—other than whether the two enjoy their sexual activity. Yet when
two people refrain from the emotionally charged arena of sexual relations
as God instructs, they can much more rationally consider the values
and traits of a potential spouse.
Finding a mate with similar religious values is an especially important
consideration. The ancient nation of Israel repeatedly lost its spiritual
moorings when its citizens intermarried with people with different
religious convictions and practices (Numbers 25:1-3; Nehemiah 13:23-
26). Marrying within one’s faith is still just as important.
Ideally children should have two parents who believe, practice and
teach the same religious principles. When children have parents with
different values, they are confused. Even if children are not involved,
clashes between two competing value systems can be painful. Through
bitter experience, many afterward wish that when they were dating they
had followed the apostle Paul’s advice against being “unequally yoked together” with someone of different religious beliefs (2 Corinthians 6:14).
As two people consider getting engaged to be married, if they are
wise they will seek premarital counseling. Such counsel can help couples
consider their strengths and weaknesses before marriage. In addition to
an objective review, they can discuss their relationship skills.
Although the decision to marry is a personal one, this kind of information
can help couples make wiser choices about whom they marry. For
those who choose to proceed with marriage, insights gained through premarital
counseling can lay a foundation for a relationship that will last.
marriage, they must consider many things. What values does the other
person hold? Does he believe in God? Does she obey God? What is this
person’s background and personal standards and values? What are his
preferences, dislikes, character and personality? Will this person be a
complementary match? Can I love and respect her?
Often in modern dating little thought is given to a potential partner
for life—other than whether the two enjoy their sexual activity. Yet when
two people refrain from the emotionally charged arena of sexual relations
as God instructs, they can much more rationally consider the values
and traits of a potential spouse.
Finding a mate with similar religious values is an especially important
consideration. The ancient nation of Israel repeatedly lost its spiritual
moorings when its citizens intermarried with people with different
religious convictions and practices (Numbers 25:1-3; Nehemiah 13:23-
26). Marrying within one’s faith is still just as important.
Ideally children should have two parents who believe, practice and
teach the same religious principles. When children have parents with
different values, they are confused. Even if children are not involved,
clashes between two competing value systems can be painful. Through
bitter experience, many afterward wish that when they were dating they
had followed the apostle Paul’s advice against being “unequally yoked together” with someone of different religious beliefs (2 Corinthians 6:14).
As two people consider getting engaged to be married, if they are
wise they will seek premarital counseling. Such counsel can help couples
consider their strengths and weaknesses before marriage. In addition to
an objective review, they can discuss their relationship skills.
Although the decision to marry is a personal one, this kind of information
can help couples make wiser choices about whom they marry. For
those who choose to proceed with marriage, insights gained through premarital
counseling can lay a foundation for a relationship that will last.
Dating Teach the right way
How can concerned parents counteract pressure on their children
to engage in immoral dating practices?
The first step, as noted earlier, is to teach them godly principles of dating
and friendship. When their teens are ready, many families have found
group dating to be a good way for youths to enter their next stage of life.
Since teenagers are generally not ready for marriage—because of
immaturity and the need for educational and occupational training
—some of the pressures and temptations of one-on-one dating can be
avoided through group dates. Social development and learning to have
fun in the company of the opposite sex are healthy experiences for teens
in a safe environment.
to engage in immoral dating practices?
The first step, as noted earlier, is to teach them godly principles of dating
and friendship. When their teens are ready, many families have found
group dating to be a good way for youths to enter their next stage of life.
Since teenagers are generally not ready for marriage—because of
immaturity and the need for educational and occupational training
—some of the pressures and temptations of one-on-one dating can be
avoided through group dates. Social development and learning to have
fun in the company of the opposite sex are healthy experiences for teens
in a safe environment.
God’s standards for dating
Historical records, like those of the ancient city of Corinth, reveal
that in the heart of the Roman Empire, the most technologically
advanced civilization of its day, the sexual values of the first century
were similar to the modern concepts of dating today. Standards were
so skewed that sexual relations with temple prostitutes were not looked
upon as scandalous but considered an appropriate form of worship.
Through the apostle Paul, God taught the Corinthians a better way.
“Flee sexual immorality,” he wrote. “Every sin that a man does is
outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his
own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy
Spirit . . . and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price;
therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s”
(1 Corinthians 6:18-20).
How could Paul dare to address others’ private behavior? He could be
so bold because he understood that God sanctions sexual relations only
within the marriage relationship (Genesis 2:24; Hebrews 13:4). Sexual
relations in any other situation were and are immoral.
Later Paul addressed relationships between members of the opposite
sex even more directly. Urging the brethren to live their lives in a way
pleasing to God (1 Thessalonians 4:1), he wrote:
“This is the will of God, that you should be holy: you must abstain
from fornication; each one of you must learn to gain mastery over his
body, to hallow and honour it, not giving way to lust like the pagans who
know nothing of God; no one must do his fellow-Christian wrong in this
matter, or infringe his rights.
“As we impressed on you before, the Lord punishes all such offences.
For God called us to holiness, not to impurity. Anyone therefore who
flouts these rules is flouting not man but the God who bestows on you
his Holy Spirit” (verses 3-8, Revised English Bible).
The custom and practice of dating—which leads to marriage—should
be conducted with honor. It should not be devalued into an excuse for
sexual gratification. God expects us to enter marriage as virgins. This
approach shows respect for God, our bodies, our futures and the divine
institution of marriage.
God’s way is the best for making marriage work. Sociologists have
found that God’s standard for dating is the one that produces marriages
that last. “After analyzing cohabitation and marriage patterns among
some 13,000 adults, two University of Wisconsin–Madison sociologists have concluded that couples who live together before marriage experience
higher levels of marital conflict and do not communicate as well.
Such couples were less committed to marriage and saw divorce as more
likely than those who had not cohabited prior to marriage”
that in the heart of the Roman Empire, the most technologically
advanced civilization of its day, the sexual values of the first century
were similar to the modern concepts of dating today. Standards were
so skewed that sexual relations with temple prostitutes were not looked
upon as scandalous but considered an appropriate form of worship.
Through the apostle Paul, God taught the Corinthians a better way.
“Flee sexual immorality,” he wrote. “Every sin that a man does is
outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his
own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy
Spirit . . . and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price;
therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s”
(1 Corinthians 6:18-20).
How could Paul dare to address others’ private behavior? He could be
so bold because he understood that God sanctions sexual relations only
within the marriage relationship (Genesis 2:24; Hebrews 13:4). Sexual
relations in any other situation were and are immoral.
Later Paul addressed relationships between members of the opposite
sex even more directly. Urging the brethren to live their lives in a way
pleasing to God (1 Thessalonians 4:1), he wrote:
“This is the will of God, that you should be holy: you must abstain
from fornication; each one of you must learn to gain mastery over his
body, to hallow and honour it, not giving way to lust like the pagans who
know nothing of God; no one must do his fellow-Christian wrong in this
matter, or infringe his rights.
“As we impressed on you before, the Lord punishes all such offences.
For God called us to holiness, not to impurity. Anyone therefore who
flouts these rules is flouting not man but the God who bestows on you
his Holy Spirit” (verses 3-8, Revised English Bible).
The custom and practice of dating—which leads to marriage—should
be conducted with honor. It should not be devalued into an excuse for
sexual gratification. God expects us to enter marriage as virgins. This
approach shows respect for God, our bodies, our futures and the divine
institution of marriage.
God’s way is the best for making marriage work. Sociologists have
found that God’s standard for dating is the one that produces marriages
that last. “After analyzing cohabitation and marriage patterns among
some 13,000 adults, two University of Wisconsin–Madison sociologists have concluded that couples who live together before marriage experience
higher levels of marital conflict and do not communicate as well.
Such couples were less committed to marriage and saw divorce as more
likely than those who had not cohabited prior to marriage”
Modern standards of dating
To understand the difference between God’s way and the world’s,
consider the dating practices common in the Western world.
Many assume that when people are dating, sexual intercourse is
appropriate to determine if they are compatible. They believe sex is
simply a natural expression of love between two people and thereby the
natural thing to do for individuals living together or “going together” in
an exclusive dating relationship. If such a couple then breaks up and the
two start dating others, the common assumption is that they are then free
to have sexual relations with their new partners.
This practice of serial monogamy—being sexually active with only
one unmarried person at a time—is widely considered a suitable way to
date and find a future mate.
In the United States about two thirds of married women in their 20s
cohabited with their future husbands before marriage (Robert Moeller,
“America’s Morality Report Card,” Christian Reader, November-December
1995, pp. 97-100). This dubious practice is followed by all too many young
adults in the Western world.
Another honorable principle, according to current standards, is
that partners should disclose any sexually transmissible diseases
before intercourse so appropriate protection can be employed. In addition,
practicing “safe sex” (using contraceptives to avoid disease and
unwanted pregnancies) is touted as the right thing to do. These practices
are so widely accepted that increasing numbers of school systems
provide free contraceptives to students, no questions asked.
Although these approaches may appear to be logical, they do not measure
up to God’s standards. What many do not understand is that such faulty logic is precisely the cause of so many unhappy relationships and
failed marriages. Let’s consider what God says.
consider the dating practices common in the Western world.
Many assume that when people are dating, sexual intercourse is
appropriate to determine if they are compatible. They believe sex is
simply a natural expression of love between two people and thereby the
natural thing to do for individuals living together or “going together” in
an exclusive dating relationship. If such a couple then breaks up and the
two start dating others, the common assumption is that they are then free
to have sexual relations with their new partners.
This practice of serial monogamy—being sexually active with only
one unmarried person at a time—is widely considered a suitable way to
date and find a future mate.
In the United States about two thirds of married women in their 20s
cohabited with their future husbands before marriage (Robert Moeller,
“America’s Morality Report Card,” Christian Reader, November-December
1995, pp. 97-100). This dubious practice is followed by all too many young
adults in the Western world.
Another honorable principle, according to current standards, is
that partners should disclose any sexually transmissible diseases
before intercourse so appropriate protection can be employed. In addition,
practicing “safe sex” (using contraceptives to avoid disease and
unwanted pregnancies) is touted as the right thing to do. These practices
are so widely accepted that increasing numbers of school systems
provide free contraceptives to students, no questions asked.
Although these approaches may appear to be logical, they do not measure
up to God’s standards. What many do not understand is that such faulty logic is precisely the cause of so many unhappy relationships and
failed marriages. Let’s consider what God says.
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